In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
