Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
