I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
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i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
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