We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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