i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
