He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
