i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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