I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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