she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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