'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
