he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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