I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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