he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
