weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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