My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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