Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
