Can i not drive my cunt home
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
