My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
