Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
