Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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