my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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