Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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