I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize