Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
