i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
where are you?
Hypothermia
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
