When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
