Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
