but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
