Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
PANTIES FOUND
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
