someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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