So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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