my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
