I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
