I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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