Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He did a backflip because drugs
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
