he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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