you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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