so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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