Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I see more hoeing in ur future
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