I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
