You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
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I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
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Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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