if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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