I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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