I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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