in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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