Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
