I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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