then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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