I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
