Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
