saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
