i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
