So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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