you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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