Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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