just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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