you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
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How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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