Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
