I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
