woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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