he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
